July 13, 2016 | Leave a comment The Darwin Awards, named in honour of the evolutionary theorist Charles Darwin, commemorate those who improve the human gene pool by removing themselves from it. That is to say, the recipient is someone who dies as a result of their own stupidity. Needless to say, the award is always given posthumously! Take, for example, the case of an unnamed individual from Washington D.C., who decided to embark on a career of armed robbery in February 1990, by holding up a gun shop! Not only was the shop full of customers, but a uniformed police officer, whose patrol car was parked outside, was standing at the counter. The inept robber announced his arrival by informing those present of a hold-up, and by firing some warning shots to show he meant business. To say he was out-gunned in the ensuing exchange of fire, would be something of an understatement. The phrase ‘more holes than a Swiss cheese’ springs to mind. Alternatively, there is the case of Mr Ken Barger of North Carolina, who thought it a good idea to keep a Smith & Wesson .38 Special, next to his telephone on the bedside cabinet. I think you can see where this one is heading. On 21st December 1992, on being awoken by his ringing telephone, he reached for the receiver, but unfortunately picked up the gun instead. He accidentally shot himself in the head. As you might imagine, the ability to die in unfortunate circumstances is not a new phenomenon. History is littered with the corpses of those who died as a result of their own misfortune, or at the hands of other bungling individuals. Thanks to some excellent research, we have many examples of poor English Tudor folk who met their ends in untimely ways. What follows are some examples of fatal Tudor incompetence. The condition of roads in the sixteenth century was appalling. Basically muddy tracks, they were heavily rutted by cart wheels, and were either claggy in wet weather, or rock hard when frozen or sun baked. John Rusey was a labourer from Berkshire, who preferred to wear his knife unsheathed and hanging loose from his belt. This proved to be his undoing, as on 11th March 1550, he was walking along a road in Chieveley, when he tripped over ‘carte rote‘ and fell forward. Yes, you’ve guessed it; he accidentally stabbed himself in the stomach. He was found dead by a neighbour on his way home from market. When we talk of hammer throwing today, we tend to think of heavily muscled athletes launching projectiles towards a predetermined and unpopulated part of a sports field. Heavy duty netting also features, in the event of wayward efforts. The Tudor equivalent would have given the gentleman of the Health and Safety Executive apoplexy! It seems that sledge hammers were launched with impunity whenever the will took. A number of cases were recorded of individuals being killed by flying hammers, but one of the most reckless cases must surely be that of Robert Woode, a weaver from Knowstone in Devon. On 2nd July 1591, keen to demonstrate his prowess, he undertook an attempt to throw his hammer over a house. Unfortunately for Amicius Byckner, innocently passing by on the other side, he was successful. “Just stand back and you’ll be perfectly safe!” Even piety had it’s pitfalls. On 22 November 1531, Mr Christopher Conyers, a gentleman of Brotton in Yorkshire, had spent the morning surveying his servants as they worked on his land. At about 11am, he sat down near the top of the coastal cliffs, got out his prayer book and began to commune with his maker. Having finished his supplication, he stood up and immediately lost his footing and slid over the edge of the cliff, falling about 150 feet to his death. A search party sent to look for him duly arrived at the cliff top, and found only his reading glasses. The relatively straightforward act of going to the toilet could also be deadly. An appropriately named baker from Cambridge, George Dunkyn, lived outside the equally appropriately named Trumpington Gate. On the evening of 2nd June 1523, George needed to relieve himself. As he squatted over the cess pit in the corner of the garden, he lost his balance. He fell backwards off of the board on which he had been perching, into the pit. According to the subsequent inquest, he was ‘queasomed’ to death. Apparently he was very drunk at the time of the incident. Steady as you go! Preparing a solution of rat poison and then accidentally drinking it yourself, is a fairly stupid way to die. But that is exactly what happened to Margaret Morlande of St Margaret, South Elmham in Suffolk. Before retiring for the night on 20th April 1599, she had left a pot containing the deadly preparation standing beside a similar pot containing beer. Feeling thirsty in the night, she rose and reached out in the dark for the beer. What happened next needs no further explanation from me. But perhaps the most poignant, and most tragic example of mass ignorance, occurred on Christmas Day 1502 at Colchester Castle. The dungeon of the castle, which was a confined space with walls seven feet thick, contained twenty eight prisoners. They had managed to smuggle in firewood, and planned to use it to facilitate a mass festive breakout. The plan was to set fire to the large wooden door, and simply walk out once it had burned through. Sadly the plan was doomed to failure, as there was insufficient ventilation in the dungeon for such a large fire. Every single one of the prisoners was overcome by a combination of a lack of oxygen and the effects of smoke inhalation. So there you have it. As far as sheer stupidity goes, like everything else, we stand on the shoulders of giants! Sources: darwinawards.com tudoraccidents.history.ox.ac.uk